my tuition kid is having her psle n ma bro is sitting for his o lvls soon. somehow, i dunt feel as involved in their lives as i should be. that leaves me terribly guilty. i know i should provide encouragement and spur them to achieve greater heights. But, im jus so warped up in my own life and the changes that its drained the soul outta me. im mentally exhausted.
I've been having recurring nightmares recently that makes no sense absolutely. its jus bits n pieces of my past tied in with my present. (????) i got myself thinking abt vik the other day. I was jus in a subconcious memory-state..thinking abt how broke i am..and how fantastic it wld be if someone would obligingly foot my bills...den it sorta drifted to vik, who was the only guy i knew who grabbed into his pockets every other time i saw something nice. I caught myself questioning if i let the only person that cared enuff go. *Screeeeeeeeech. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. Haltttttt* My soldier brain cells ran to the centre of attn. waddya talkin abt harsh?! stop nobilizing his bastardized intentions. He an unscrupulous f****er tht prides himself with his warped theory that women could be bought with money. i'm quite proud of myself with the decision i took and i would always would be. Like he accurately posited, i wasnt ready at that time, and as minli summarized, like her, i could never respect anyone who isnt performing academically as me.
which brought me to another semi-conscious level.. i was frantically searching my cupboard quite some time back for my certificates which i carelessly misplaced.i came across this folded A4 paper..it was tiffany's drawings. it was so long ago that i cldnt even remember when she did it. probably back in sec4. it had drawings of my legs, brain, arms, hair n other body parts scattered all over the paper..neatly at the bottom, it was written "murdered by harshini's best frend-tiffany". it made me smile. I wished that her mother did not leave her all alone by herself aft sec4. Altho my mother n i disagree only abt everything under the sun, i wished that her mother could understand her better. I hoped that wherever tiff was right now, she is loved and lovin it every single moment. I wish she had opened up to me earlier. Partly, it could have been my fault that she couldnt confide in me, bt that is something i cld do nothing abt.
a few days later, my mom threw out all the junk frm that cupboard. I could hav rushed forward to grab the things i would want to keep. i didnt.
its jus one of life's few mysteries where you'll nv understand why u did the things u do.
and so her story is told@ 4:35 AM
